Too traditional for Tinder, too modern for Bharat Matrimony
The modern Indian woman who does not fit any box.
That sums up my predicament (and that of more than a few Indian women and men, I suspect).
In the next few posts, I will dissect why Bumble, Hinge, etc. have a fundamental design flaw that's not even their fault. We can also copy pasta some Reddit posts about the casual sex discussion.
Speaking of which, I belong to that layer of Indian society that does not frown upon casual sex. I don't either. It's a different matter that I only know one IRL person who can handle it and is not a hot mess. Goddess knows I tried. Just too much of a prude-afraid-of-abandonment to be able to indulge it.
I am lucky that both the men I picked were horrified by my severely low self-esteem at 23, and felt conscientious about staying away from me.
You may think me being 29 automatically makes me a bad candidate for Bharat Matrimony. Oddly enough, I now find out that age is less of a problem than all that follows:
I am not a wild career woman. I won't be a housewife (yeah, sue me, I ain't using the word homemaker) if I can help it, but I probably wouldn't mind a pay cut or a chill job for a smashingly fun man. Note the words smashingly fun, because dating apps don’t have the same definition I do.
I have been in 1.5 relationships and both times, I was more than willing to subordinate my desires, for the duds. What an unfeminist thing to do, and yet it comes naturally to me when I am besotted with a man. The problem quite simply is that they did not deserve the sacrifice (nor has any man I have met yet).
I won't obey his mummy. I won’t move to a shitty city with no friends. His money has not yet enticed me to consider it.
BM executives call me, telling me all about the 2000 great rishtas they have — perfect caste, height, older and making money. Their teensy minds short circuit when I start telling them that what good is Mr. Perfect if he lives in Palampur? Or has a joint family with mummy who thinks he is handsome? Or is 7 years older than me?
“Haww, what a judgey bitch.”
No, OK? No. Your mummy cannot write about your good looks in your bio; that is just yucky.
Nor can you convince me that it is ok for a 35-year-old unkill to reject women between 30–35. Who cares if I am in his target age range? If he is not considering a 38-year-old woman, no way am I looking at him.
I will devote a different post to horoscopes, but that is another deeply annoying thing to me. The first time I even found out what is in it, was after 3 rejections. I have now decided to embrace the horoscope — if parents think I will eat their son, I might as well start looking and acting more like the Vishakha rakshasi.
Now that you are convinced, I am doomed to a life of loneliness, let me get to the dating app side again and convince you further.
I am allergic to men who ‘don't know yet’ what they want. Reddit is wrong about people using it to avoid timeline-crazies; people who, don't know yet at 30, will never know. Mummy will drag them to the havan with a girl she picks, eventually.
I don't want to chill and have drinks after exchanging 5 texts, I don't care that he is 5'11–6'5 or in town for a short time (If that is the case, please stay the fuck away from me). I am not giving my phone number after a series of insipid texts that would have been made unnecessary by sharing LinkedIn profiles.
I have not even started talking about the cheating men and separated men that are out to ruin your mental peace yet. And I have not got the bandwidth to, in his post.
My career trajectory may be goals to some people but signals my undesirability to others.
In short, everything you worked for, everything you’re proud of — a liability in the Indian arranged marriage market.
